Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Top 10 ways to get your food spit on!


I'm sure you guys don't know this, since I've never fucking told you, but I work as a cook in a locally owned restaurant when I'm not out whoring myself around town. It's just an everyday bar/grill that serves steaks, wings, burgers, liquor to the common folk and hard working drunks. I have a few pet peeves that really irritate me when I'm cooking and I'll let you onto a few of them so you can chickity check yourself before you eat a hairy french fry.

(Now, I don't personally fuck with peoples food, unless I have some personal vendetta against them, but I know people who will. So, let me get on with the list.)

1.) Don't come strolling in like a douche and ask for a "medium cooked steak" and then get all huffy when it has pink in the middle. NEWS FLASH: medium cooked steaks are always going to have pink showing in the middle. Now, I'm going to burn every last drop of steaky goodness out of it.

2.) If you're coming in with your son's whole t-ball team, you better call and let us know that 30 little corndog craving fuckers are about to show up and annoy everybody. It's always best to give the establishment some time for food preparation and seating ready for a party that big. Now little Johnny is going to wonder why his corndog tastes like soggy ass.

3.) If you're a hipster and I hear you trying to order a PBR. I'm going to rage so hard on your food, it will come out looking like Michael J. Fox prepared it. You'll probably eat it anyway, since it doesn't look like us conformists food. If that's the case, I'm going to just strangle your with your plaid scarf..

4.) You might not want to try macking on the servers too hard if they're really not into you. You know who you are, overconfident fat guy with hat covering receding hairline and bitch tits. You really shouldn't ask if she can be "the daily special" or you're going to get something special in your quesadilla.

5.) Never show up 10 minutes before close with all of your buddies, when I've already gotten everything cleaned up in the kitchen, and order a bunch of huge meals. I don't mind frying food, but getting everything back out for your garlic-parmesan crusted tilapia is going to piss me off. I know you just came from the Kid Rock concert and you're trying to come out of your drunken stupor, but that's what god invented drive-thrus for. All of your food is getting mushroom stamped.

6.) If you come in looking like these guys, you're fucked.  (Ed Hardy is interchangeable with Affliction, Tapout clothing.)

7.) Don't come in and get a bacon cheeseburger off of the menu and ask "Can you replace the bun with texas toast, and then make the bacon floppy, because I like floppy dicks in my mouth. Can you then put nacho cheese instead of cheddar? Oh yeah, also, can you add some mustard and pickles, but do you have jalapeno flavored pickles?"  No, asshole! You're getting a bacon-jizzburger with extra crispy bacon and cheddar.

8.) So, you're trying to look like a cool guy in front of your friends while eating some "XXX wings", saying "Oh, this shit isn't even hot, brahs..Waitress let me get something hot up in this biznitch." I'm going to light your pussy ass up. I'm going to get some caspsaicin crystals and some ghost chili extract and mix it with a little bit of Texas Pete and hopefully you won't die while you're choking on it. Who's the man now?

9.) To the cheap bastards that try to bum a free meal. I like how you somehow manage to eat all of your food but the last bite has "a hair" in it, so you demand a free replacement meal. Funny how nobody in the kitchen has hair like that. It actually kinda looks like yours. Hmmm.. I'll make you another meal that I'll literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into.

10.) When I walk out to get a drink, don't bore me by stopping to tell me everything you didn't like about your dinner.. Example: "Man, the food was really good but it could of used something extra, like an herb or more seasoning".. It's just going to piss me off, and the next time I see you come in and order, I'll probably garnish it well with some freshly picked pubis hairus.



32 comments:

  1. Haha, some good points. I'll never forget working at a restaurant and this guy came up through the employee only doors & started yelling at the cooks about how his pizza was so cold and then said how dumb people in Florida were and gave them the pizza and he wanted it warmer. His pizza got spat on but not by a mouth.

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  2. ahahaha Good post! i'll be sure not to try that at any restaurant.

    Actually i'll be sure not to go to any restaurant anytime soon.

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  3. Haha, hilarious post, but the truth nonetheless. Thankfully I don't fit into a single one of those, so not much to worry about there.

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  4. Every industry has it's lists of douchebags, but it's hard to beat a cook's. I am always afraid I am going to fall on their shit list, even when they fuck up my order, that I usually don't say shit. Only when they fuck up really, really bad do I say anything, and then it is with a deluge of apologies for being a pain in the ass.

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  6. lol these are some awesome points to the common folk that visits diners and restaurants! Good post, nice to actually learn something about you and what you do outside of blogging. I might actually write a post like this myself, when sufficient time is allotted.

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  7. I used to work in a restaurant and remember seeing a steak come back three times because the customer thought he knew better than the chef what medium was.

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  8. Was laughing from the first word to the last. I always look forward to reading your blogs.

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  9. Brilliant post; love the humour in your writing;>

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  10. lol, this was fucking hilarious. I feel your pain man. I'm a bar back at a bar and grill and hear it from the cooks all the time. I live by these rules when I eat now.

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  11. I work as a server, and all of those things piss me off like no other.

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  12. hahahaha dude..standup comedy's got nothing on you.. i laughed so hard at number 4 ..." You know who you are, overconfident fat guy with hat covering receding hairline and bitch tits"....

    this just became one of those all time classic posts. I'm kind of afraid of going into your restaurant and somehow unknowingly piss you off tho..

    seriously tho, i'll fly out to try the food...

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  13. ahah that was great. people can be complete douches in restaurants

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  14. I love how you to become the blog, I'll follow you now: D

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  15. I'm in love with this blog. <3

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  16. I work in a kitchen but I've never seen this done.

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  17. Hahaha, that was pretty awesome. I'm also glad that none of that applies to me.

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  18. lol ill be sure not to do these haha!!

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  19. Hah, I like to think of myself as a nice person, but I'll never trusts restaurant personnel again :)

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  20. Totally not wearing an Affliction shirt out to a restaurant again

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  21. Hahahah I rofled when reading this! I work at sonic, and I have honestly thought about doing that, But I'd lose my job!

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  22. Sigh.... I almost wish I worked as a cook just so I could fuck with customers like that. Office Supplies has some weirdos but it's hard to mess with them when they piss you off or when you're bored.

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