Monday, May 30, 2011

Animazement Pictures

Now, for my second installment of my Animazement adventures..

 I feel like a fucking archaeologist coming back with some T-Rex bones, except I have neckbeards and cosplayers. Enough fucking writing, you bastards want instant gratification and I'm going to give you it. Nobody reads any of this shit,  they just scroll to pictures.

Trollingwood Rd.. I figured all of you guys lived on that road, so I snapped a pic.
Damn, they really let themselves go. I walked up on Sub Zero eating some ice-cream later on.  I guess nowadays instead of shooting icicles out of his ass, he just consumes creamy frozen treats.
O HAI GAIZ, I'M A CUP OF NOODLES!!! TEHHEEEE.. Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
It was hard to take some of these pictures while laughing.
This guy seemed way too attracted to me. He hugged me multiple times, and he might be sporting a chub right there. I'm irresistible, what can I say?
One of the 5000 neckbeards I saw at Animazement. He was on the prowl.
This is just the dealer room before it got too packed. The convention center is huge.
Look at this virgin beautiful specimen just full of repressed sexual fantasies.. He was a weird fucker.
View from my hotel window.
My toilet just had to say "Penis", it was quite necessary.

I'm going to wrap this first picture blog up with a nice little montage of dancing that I took outside of the convention center around 12am. It actually had nothing to do with Animazement, just some spur of the moment shit people started doing, it was pretty funny to watch. There's some decent dancers and horrible ones. Don't just watch 30 seconds of it, give it a little time.

Plenty of more shit to come, if you want it! Don't be afraid to click the pictures for higher quality.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Guess Who's Back?

In front of the Raleigh Convention Center

I am back from Animazement. The neckbeards and neckbeardettes came out in full force this weekend to spread joy and body odor all around the Raleigh Convention Center. But seriously, heat and high humidity doesn't mix too well with neckbeards. I've compiled a few little goodies for some pure wholesome entertainment. I will break out the videos and pictures of these extraordinary people in their cosplay getup over the course of the next few days. I didn't get as many photo-ops as I thought I should have, but I took enough for you to get the gist of what goes down as Animazement. I'll admit, I had alot of fun just looking at anime obsessed people fueled up on Mountain Dew and Pocky. It was quite the experience. If you ever have the opportunity to go to Animazement or any other cosplay event, you better not pass it up, you'll get your money worth in laughing your ass off alone.

Downtown Raleigh, outside of the hotel.
Let me start this off with a rare sighting of "Hipster Spiderman" making an appearance with his ukulele. Motherfucker didn't even offer me a sip of his PBR. I'd love to rag on this guy, but he was actually a half decent performer. At least he's happy.

More to come....

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I'm going to Animazment

What is Animazement? It's a convention held every year in Raleigh, NC, where people of all walks of life (including neckbeards) come to celebrate Japanese culture through anime, manga, video games, art. I'm going to be attending from Fri-Sun morn. I WILL be taking pictures of all of the ridiculous outfits that I see people wearing, since cosplay is one of the main attractions. It's basically like a Comic-Con, except more Japanese oriented. I hope the fat chick who wants to dress up in spandex of her favorite anime character reads this and has a change of heart, or else she will be captured and put on this blog. Here's the schedule of all the events taking place. I doubt I'll update my blog until Sunday, when I get back. I look forward to showing you all of the weird shit that I'm exposed to.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Amazing Sport of Boutaoshi

The objective? First, if you're on the offense, charge the other team like lunatics and beat their asses. Second, get their pole monkey down from the top and beat his ass. Third, get one of your little monkeys to climb and conquer the pole and victory is yours! At least that's what I think is going on.

This is Boutaoshi!

I demand a reason why this isn't a sport in the US?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Just another day..

Nothing too exciting tonight. It was in the high 80's where I live, and the kitchen where I do my magic must of been 110 degrees. I wonder if anybody noticed me walking funny, due to my balls chafing my inner leg. (anybody have any tips on how to stop that?) Upon searching for a remedy on the Internet, I came across some pretty sick pictures of what they call "nipple chafing".

holy fuck, that looks painful.

Back to the subject, or lack there of. I closed the kitchen up around 10pm and the bar threw out all of the drunk patrons that regret going home to face their wives around 10:45. It was just your average day. You could say it's the same monotonous repetition that has become your daily life. Don't get me wrong, I get a lot of satisfaction and am quite content in my life, but I think sometimes we all fall into a comfortable cycle and get too timid to break out of the routine. So, what does the average person do when they are just drifting along through life and want even more gratification out of it? I don't really know the answer, but I think the question itself answers why a lot of people do the spontaneously eccentric things they do. What would you do, if you couldn't take your 9-5 lifestyle anymore and just had to change? Would you take up shooting heroin? I kid. Me? I'd probably just go all Christopher McCandless, and be a social recluse and a wandering nature gypsy. (On a side note: If you haven't read the book "Into the Wild" or seen the movie, you might want to check that out. Awesome story, bro.)

Would that constitute you as a selfish person for wanting more out of a boringly comfortable existence? Come on, who doesn't think about having a detour from their designated beaten path once in a while?

Okay, enough rambling on my part. Let me hear what you guys would do if you just broke from the customary shackles one day.

American Badass

No matter how hard you try, you'll never be this cool.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

My Girlfriend's Cat

This is Bailey...

I can has the 'beetis?

I took this picture yesterday when I got up to go make a sandwich. I could hear the floor rumbling as he made his entrance into the room and plopped over in front of me. I knew what he wanted. The motherfucker wanted my sandwich, and he wasn't going to get shit, since there was only enough for me. I had to stop for a second and take a picture because his bulging stomach and sheer size just mesmerized me. The yellow ovals stared deeply into my soul and I realized he was trying to hypnotize me into giving him my sandwich. I caught myself in the trance like state and snapped out long enough to eat all of it without hesitation. This angered the gluttonous savage, and he began to lunge full speed like a linebacker at my legs. I did some matador type shit to avoid broken tibia's and fibula's, and he plunged into the pantry cabinet, that he proceeded to ravage through.
Me after I dodged the beast.
I showed you a picture of Bailey, so you can inform my girlfriend that her cat is morbidly obese. She's under the perception that he was just born a big cat, you know, bigger bone-structure and shit, and that's how he is supposed to look. She thinks the father cat was most likely a Maine Coon. I think the father cat was most likely John Goodman, who was fucking amazing in The Big Lebowski.

If you want more pictures of Bailey, just let me know. I'll throw on my wide-angle lens and try and capture him.

Friday, May 20, 2011

RIP 'Macho Man' Randy Savage

"Oh Yeahh, Brother!!!!"
The "Macho Man" Randy Savage, real name Randall Mario Poffo died this morning after suffering a heart attack and fatal wreck, while he was driving in Tampa, FL. His wife was the only passenger that was in the car, but she luckily only sustained minor injuries.

Florida Highway Patrol said the 58 year-old lost control of his vehicle, due to the heart attack and jumped a concrete median in his 2009 Jeep Wrangler, ultimately colliding head-on into a tree. He passed away at the Largo Medical Center from the injuries.

Randall was a seven-time professional wrestling world-champion, amongst many other prestigious wrestling accolades. He was pure electric inside the ring and out, sporting a flashy wardrobe with matching sunglasses and hats. He had a very distinct deep scratchy voice that turned heads when people heard it. Whether he was snapping into Slim-Jims or snapping necks in the ring, he was the center of attention for his vibrant personality. He was a true entertainer that will be sorely missed by his loved ones and respecting fans. 

Shoe Shining Pro

"Oh, shoe, why you so delicious???" Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? There are many tastier alternatives around him, like his subway seat and the mans hat that's sitting beside him. I like how the man beside him is all nonchalant, pretending that there isn't a hyperactive-retard polishing a shoe with his mouth next to him.
Why not add this picture?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

New York Style Pizza Vs. Chicago Style Pizza?

Q: Which style is the best? 
A: There is no correct answer, since this has been debated for years. We'll see what the blogger community thinks.

New York Style

New York Style Pizza is known for its thinly kneaded dough, basic toppings, an evenly spread ladle of Marinara, and a hefty layer of cheese on top. The slices are generally as big as a blanket and about as flimsy, so most people fold it in half and eat it like an Italian taco. If you piled a ton of toppings and sauce on such a thin layer of dough, it'd ruin this pizza's pizazz. Its simplicity is the essence of why it's so good. It's the perfect food for people on the run or after a late night drinking.

Chicago Style

Chicago Style Pizza is literally a "pizza pie", since it's stuffed full of ingredients inside a deep dish dough, then it's covered in cheese and finally overlaid with a thick Marinara Sauce. A much heartier pizza that will fill your gut after only a slice or two. If you like a thick crust with an array of ingredients and gooey cheese, this is your pizza. This is a perfect sit down for dinner type pizza.

The New Yorker's are always going to say "If I wanted some lasagna, I'd go down to Mario's over dea on da corna."

The Chicagoans are always going to say "If I wanted some cardboard, I'd go pull some out of the dumpster."

Let me know what you think  is the best and I'll tally up the winner from the comments left on this blog.
I'm not going to give you my personal preference on the pizzas, to keep it unbiased.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Just sit back and relax.. with powdered donuts

I'm sitting here, eating powdered donuts and not giving a fuck.. Powdered sugar is everywhere and I don't give a fuck. If I had enough, I'd cover my body in it and roll around licking myself on my living room floor. I'm done caring about shit, other than powdered donuts. So, just go get some powdered donuts and not give a fuck.. Fuck, I love powdered donuts, but I don't give a fuck, except for powdered donuts. Powdered donuts.

Powdered donuts not giving a fuck.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Who are the worst drivers?

I'm sure you've been driving and have been a victim or at least a witness to some form of  reckless driving by one of these two groups of people. These two parties I'm referring to are "elderly people" and "Asian people".

Now, elderly people have an excuse, since they're old and their senses are dulled. They can't see you, can't hear you, and can't smell you, but they can touch the fuck out of you with their Buick Regal swerving into your lane when you're headed to work. That's lesson one, don't try and pass an old person on the highway. Yeah, they're doing 25 in the fast-lane, but they're going to fuck your day up if your ungrateful little whipper snapper ass tries to whisk by them. What you need to do is invest in a large truck or bulldozer, so you can just push them to side of the road, if need be. They won't notice, they'll probably think it was a strong gust of wind.

 Asians are just as bad. You would think a race of people who are so smart, and tech savvy, and mathematically inclined would be able to manage an automobile with perfect precision, but you're WRONG. Asians to the road are like cupcakes to Wilford Brimley, shit just gets out of hand. From young Asians to old Asians, it's all the same, they can't drive to save their life. I'm sure it can be statistically proven somewhere, but I don't have the patience or give-a-fuckery to look it up. All I need to know is what I've seen first hand. If you pull into a parking spot and an Asian is attempting to park next to you, my advice to you is to stay put until their vehicle is somewhere disengaged. You might want to get out through the passenger side, though, since they'll only give you three inches. (and I'm not talking about their dicks, but that'd be pretty funny if I was)

I've read another blog on here about how old people are discriminated against by the media and general public by stereotyping their driving skills, and the majority can drive just as well as the younger generations. WRONG! If you've ever rode shotgun with your grandma behind the wheel for any length of time, you'd know that you're lucky that you're even reading this blog. I agree that generalizing is fucked up, unless it is undoubtedly true, and this is undoubtedly true.

But, my question to you is, who is the WORST of the two? I have my own opinion. Asian drivers can get pretty hairy and especially those young Asians in their Civic hatchbacks that sound like a rattling tin-can. They'll try and race you any chance they get and they'll always win, since they'll lose control of their ricer and push you in a fucking ravine. Thankfully, most Asians are somewhat aware of their surroundings, which is one advantage they hold over elderly drivers. You might stick up for old drivers, until you're watching your hometown parade and Old Man McGee comes cruising through the middle of your high schools marching band performance, like he's got somewhere other to be than the pharmacy.

All I'm asking for is that all old people be considered for more evaluation and testing before they get their license renewed, for the safety of our families and loved ones.

It's a tough decision, but my personal award for "the worst drivers" has to go to......*drum roll*... OLD PEOPLE!

BTW: I love asians. Hard.

Don't do it in the park!

Damn, I didn't know they were recording me.
I'm a fucking radical, boys. Don't fuck with my trees.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

purp-skurp nug nug

Who hasn't met a guy like this? Didn't have time to write a real blog tonight, so I'll post a video every now and then to keep it flowing. This guy has a bunch of hilarious vids on youtube.  Bomb ass dank ass.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Osama's Porn Stash

Now that I have General Tso's Chicken inside me burning my stomach lining, and I'm most likely going to shit pure fire in about an hour, I figure I'd post something on my blog now. What better to talk about than Osama's porn stash?

Recent news of a massive porn collection seized from Osama Bin Laden's compound in Pakistan is making headlines lately. As much as 5 computers, 10 hard drives, and dozens of USB drives full of fap material has reported to have been found. 

That just sounds like a slow week for me. I wonder what kind of porn he had on his computers, and who's job it is to sift through all of it? What a job that must be. "Colonel, get the CIA's Porn Investigation Team in here to comb through this smut immediately. I've got a hunch he may have been watching 'Burka's Gone Wild 6', and damnit I want to see it!"

Obama's Administration has released one video already of Osama watching himself on TV (this motherfucker had DVR in his pad). I guess he was critiquing himself thinking "Man, why didn't I fucking plug up my Norelco that day, my beard looks like a bee-hive made of pubes." He looked rather old and fragile in the newly released video, like he missed at least 2 months of using his jet black Just for Men beard enhancer. He's seen wrapped up in a dark tan blanket, because he's too much of a fucking rebel to buy a Snuggie from Wal-Mart (too westernized). I'm just glad Obama's Administration decided to cut the part where he brings in his laptop full of sheep bestiality, for a hardcore sesh.

This is what the hypocritical camel fucker said in '02 in his "letter to the American people"
''Your nation exploits women like consumer products or advertising tools, calling upon customers to purchase them,'' he wrote. ''You plaster your naked daughters across billboards in order to sell a product without any shame. You have brainwashed your daughters into believing they are liberated by wearing revealing clothes, yet in reality all they have liberated is your sexual desire.''
Looks like he would be the one who knows all about this "exploitation" of our daughters, he's been bogged down studying it for a while.

If you think about it, he isn't so much different than a lot of guys in the world, (other than the fact he was a terrorist leader).  A 54 year old guy, hidden away in his house downloading porn, while his wife or "wives" (for him, at least) are complaining "you never take me out anymore."

There you have it, deceased leader of al-Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden, is an avid porn connoisseur.

Oh, here's a picture for you less interested in reading.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger is back! Friday The 13th!

Are you all okay? How did you make it through the night without reviewing indie video games and posting abstract pictures of your dads lawn?

It's Friday The 13th, so I figured, why not make a scary post for once?

This link that I will post is quite long and might take an hour or so to read all of it. So, if you aren't in the mood for a good bit of reading, you might not want to click it. It is a journal from a guy named "Ted" who is a cave explorer and gets great satisfaction in being in tight, virgin cave passages. Who doesn't? Ted made this journal in '00-'01, and updated it every couple of days/weeks. It's about him and his friend "B" exploring a cave near where they are from when they stumble upon a small crevice in the wall. They felt air blowing through the hole and saw that it expanded as it opened slightly into a small tunnel. They decided to put weeks and weeks of hard chiseling and hammering to open the hole far enough to crawl through. They had no idea where it led or what lurked in it's depths.
Fact or fiction, you decide.

Blog note: A guy named "Ted" is with his friend "B" (which probably stands for Bill) are going adventuring? TOTALLY AWESOME.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Top 10 ways to get your food spit on!

I'm sure you guys don't know this, since I've never fucking told you, but I work as a cook in a locally owned restaurant when I'm not out whoring myself around town. It's just an everyday bar/grill that serves steaks, wings, burgers, liquor to the common folk and hard working drunks. I have a few pet peeves that really irritate me when I'm cooking and I'll let you onto a few of them so you can chickity check yourself before you eat a hairy french fry.

(Now, I don't personally fuck with peoples food, unless I have some personal vendetta against them, but I know people who will. So, let me get on with the list.)

1.) Don't come strolling in like a douche and ask for a "medium cooked steak" and then get all huffy when it has pink in the middle. NEWS FLASH: medium cooked steaks are always going to have pink showing in the middle. Now, I'm going to burn every last drop of steaky goodness out of it.

2.) If you're coming in with your son's whole t-ball team, you better call and let us know that 30 little corndog craving fuckers are about to show up and annoy everybody. It's always best to give the establishment some time for food preparation and seating ready for a party that big. Now little Johnny is going to wonder why his corndog tastes like soggy ass.

3.) If you're a hipster and I hear you trying to order a PBR. I'm going to rage so hard on your food, it will come out looking like Michael J. Fox prepared it. You'll probably eat it anyway, since it doesn't look like us conformists food. If that's the case, I'm going to just strangle your with your plaid scarf..

4.) You might not want to try macking on the servers too hard if they're really not into you. You know who you are, overconfident fat guy with hat covering receding hairline and bitch tits. You really shouldn't ask if she can be "the daily special" or you're going to get something special in your quesadilla.

5.) Never show up 10 minutes before close with all of your buddies, when I've already gotten everything cleaned up in the kitchen, and order a bunch of huge meals. I don't mind frying food, but getting everything back out for your garlic-parmesan crusted tilapia is going to piss me off. I know you just came from the Kid Rock concert and you're trying to come out of your drunken stupor, but that's what god invented drive-thrus for. All of your food is getting mushroom stamped.

6.) If you come in looking like these guys, you're fucked.  (Ed Hardy is interchangeable with Affliction, Tapout clothing.)

7.) Don't come in and get a bacon cheeseburger off of the menu and ask "Can you replace the bun with texas toast, and then make the bacon floppy, because I like floppy dicks in my mouth. Can you then put nacho cheese instead of cheddar? Oh yeah, also, can you add some mustard and pickles, but do you have jalapeno flavored pickles?"  No, asshole! You're getting a bacon-jizzburger with extra crispy bacon and cheddar.

8.) So, you're trying to look like a cool guy in front of your friends while eating some "XXX wings", saying "Oh, this shit isn't even hot, brahs..Waitress let me get something hot up in this biznitch." I'm going to light your pussy ass up. I'm going to get some caspsaicin crystals and some ghost chili extract and mix it with a little bit of Texas Pete and hopefully you won't die while you're choking on it. Who's the man now?

9.) To the cheap bastards that try to bum a free meal. I like how you somehow manage to eat all of your food but the last bite has "a hair" in it, so you demand a free replacement meal. Funny how nobody in the kitchen has hair like that. It actually kinda looks like yours. Hmmm.. I'll make you another meal that I'll literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into.

10.) When I walk out to get a drink, don't bore me by stopping to tell me everything you didn't like about your dinner.. Example: "Man, the food was really good but it could of used something extra, like an herb or more seasoning".. It's just going to piss me off, and the next time I see you come in and order, I'll probably garnish it well with some freshly picked pubis hairus.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Bob Ross Parody

Here is a Bob Ross imitation video that I think is pretty funny. It's a few years old and you may of seen it before, but it never fails to get a "lawl" out of me.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

What is this?

I had just finished eating my kabob platter at a greek place called "Pita Delite", when I had the sudden urge to piss. I look around and make sure nobody had just gotten up to use the men's room, because it's a small place and I didn't want to make the mistake of walking in on "bubba"  dropping off his gyro. By the way, why do you assholes never have the courtesy to lock the door when you're in public taking a dump? That's the first thing I do when I'm about to drown a mud bunny. Anyways, back on topic. I walk into the bathroom and the first thing that catches my eye is this peculiar painting on the wall. There was actually a few paintings in there but this particular one tickled my fancy the most. It was a crossbreed human/rabbit in robin hood type attire that seemed to be ogling me as I drained my weasel. It had a mischievous grin as it grasped his swords handle with one hand and caressed a tree with the other. He had a weird little red buddy on his shoulder that seemed to be gesturing "Come at me bro!" to the hybrid. He was making me uncomfortable, so I angled myself away from it while I finished the deed.
The beast that I captured.. Look at his biceps, they're jacked. The fucker was obviously juicing hard.
Am I the only person who doesn't know what this is? Did I miss a children's book or movie when I was growing up with this abomination in it?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Are You A Neckbeard?

A neckbeard in his natural environment.

What are neckbeards? A neckbeard is a person who lives primarily on the internet and has many hobbies within it. There are many different types and forms of neckbeards, most show no interest into real life functions. They would consider what they do online "real life functions". They are typically known to have poor hygiene and grooming, yet some still maintain their personal cleanliness.

Neckbeardism can happen to anybody of any age group. It's easier to convert into a neckbeard than it is to shed the neckbeard persona. Neckbeardism can be avoided with a couple of strict rules;

1.) Dissociate yourself with other known neckbeards.
2.) The Internet is the breeding ground for neckbeards, so stay far away from any electronics/computers that are connected.
3.) If for some reason you have to go on the information superhighway and come in contact with a group of neckbeards, burn whatever device you're using, immediately, or else they will hack into it and blackmail you into being a neckbeard.

I will give you insight into five of the most common neckbeards and give a glimpse into their online agendas.

Social Neckbeard
Hobbies: Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Skype, camming, blogging
Examination: The Social Neckbeard shows a desire for social interaction and isn't afraid to tell you how he feels on any given internet outlet. They have an account on every widespread social website available. They still manage to have a personal life whilst being a neckbeard.
Hours spent online: 4-6

Angry Neckbeard
Hobbies: FPS games, trolling, gore, anarchy, hacking
Examination: Misanthropists. The Angry Neckbeard has a hatred for people altogether and will let you know if you cross their path. They spend most of their time trying to keep his or her kill/death ratio in any given FPS over 2.0. If they are lower than 2.0, they will most likely contemplate suicide. Never ask them to reconsider. Angry Neckbeards are known for trolling forums and socially dense sites. They don't mind gore, they sickeningly prefer it. They oppose government and any hierarchy. Most share common traits with known serial killers.
Hours spent online: 8-10

Nerdy Neckbeard
Hobbies: RPG's, anime, piracy, fantasy
Examination: When the Nerdy Neckbeard isn't on WoW raiding or grinding gold, they are torrenting their favorite anime, music. They are quiet for the most part, unless you ask about blizzcon, or their guilds raid progression in the latest WoW expansion. Communicating with the opposite sex often provokes anxiety attacks for Nerdy Neckbeards.
Hours spent online: 14-16

Pervert Neckbeard
Hobbies: Porn, masturbating, stalking
Examination: The Pervert Neckbeards are the sickest, horniest neckbeards you will hopefully never meet. They dwell in dim lit rooms and basements. They spend their days looking for any and every odd fetish they come across (literally). Most of them are behind proxies and aren't afraid to search deeply into the internets bowels for grotesque images and videos that meets their sexually deprived neckbeard standards.
Hours spent online: 8-10

Hybrid Neckbeard
Hobbies: Gaming, porn, forums, Facebook
Examination: The Hybrid Neckbeard has the traits of all of the other neckbeards combined into one, just not as rooted in any specific category. They vary from which neckbeard vices they sink into. This neckbeard is the most common of the neckbeards.
Hours spent online: 10-12

In conclusion, I've found that neckbeards are pretty harmless unless you venture into their domain, since they will not venture outside. I hope you feel a little more educated into the world of neckbeardism. It's a serious condition that we still don't have all the answers for, but will always be actively seeking.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Damnit, Ric Flair..

You win again. What a great marketing strategy.

"The Nature Boy" whoring himself out again in the NC Lottery. He must be strapped for cash lately. Metamucil and feathered robes can get pretty pricey. He is 300 years old and he's still mackin', struttin', and "WOOOing" at frightened children. He doesn't even speak anymore, he just throws out awkward pitches of "WOOOO" and his nurses come to his aide.

 Is it just me or does his torso seem disproportionate to his legs in the picture? He was probably on the toilet trying to pass his prune juice and oats that his caretaker blended up for him, and then someone just photoshopped some rhinestone chaps on it to make it look legit.

A close-up of the "WOOOOOO" face

Here's the commercial for the newest scratcher

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Foul is my only memory.

Beads of sweat run down my cheek
Relief fills my void
You've made me do this
I always felt like we were one
I never thought I'd push it this far
My eyes trace your silhouette in the stagnant water
I watch your lifeless figure floating silent
Sadly, I feel no regret, no remorse
Apathy is all encompassing
A foul aura surrounds you still
Foul is my only memory of you
The soft light is gleaming off your dark skin
My body aches
I must flee this ungodly scene
Your repugnant scent lingers and seeps through me
I wipe away your shameful remnants
I pray your porcelain god carries you far away
Goodbye, my dear.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Riding dirty in a Geo Metro

Look at that beautiful piece of art.

So, you think you're hot shit, huh? Do you see these stock 12's, or is the chrome blinding you? Just face the facts, bud. When I cruise up to the party in my '93 Geo Metro Convertible with the top down, hoes come'uh runnin'. What is that, a Mustang? HA! Step it up, broski. That's just the same monotonous, bland ass car girls always see. What they really want is a waxed up candy paint Metro pushing 65 with the pedal down on the highway. At 90 MPG, lets just say "I get around". So, if you hear a 2-stroke weed-whacker at 3a.m., don't worry, I'm not there for lawn maintenance. I'm probably doing donuts in your fucking driveway, with the tape deck BLARING.

 If you want to go ho'patrolin' sometime, I might hand over the reigns. Be gentle with it, it is my baby. Remember, I have a strict no fat chick policy. I don't want chubbies ruining my fresh suspension, you catch my drift? Anyways, these tires aren't gonna smoke themselves. I'll catch you on the flipside.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How to not be a fatass

Ok, I'll try to give you a few tips that are simple and easy to understand.

I'm no personal trainer or dietitian but I think I have some logic. hahaha

1.) When you're eating a meal, if you're starting to feel a little full and your plate still has a good portion of food left, just let it be. I know it will be whispering to you "EAT ME, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME INSIDE YOU!", or that could be me in the booth next to you. You don't have to eat it, just set it aside and teach your impulses. Save it for lunch or dinner the next day. Conquer your appetite!

2.) Quit eating so many carbs and throw something green on your plate once in a while. That means cut back on your potatoes, pastas, breads. I know they taste so much better than everything else, but this is a commitment to better yourself. So, when you go get a nice sirloin to eat, instead of french fries and bread, try broccoli or a side salad. It will make you feel positive and speed up your metabolism to make you shit more, and who doesn't want that?

3.) You need to get active, and by "active", I don't mean getting up from the recliner to get a cold beer. You have to put forth some kind of effort to make a change. Walking really isn't that hard. It will boost your self esteem and set you on the right path to not be a fatass. Ride a bicycle, play a sport with friends or coworkers; not on Xbox, go to the gym and laugh at juice heads pretending they're straight. In reality, try to at least walk/jog 30 minutes a day. That's not counting going in the convenience store to get the 2-pack deal on smokes.

4.) Cut back on your snacks. If you get hungry in between meals, don't go for a bag of Doritos or a King Size Reeses. Eat what you know is good for your body. Nutrient rich foods. That means put down the Zebra Cake and eat some real zebra's.. or fruit. Also, if you're drinking 8 sodas a day, you need to stop and drink a healthier alternative. You don't have to cut everything out completely, just use moderation.

Following these few easy steps, you can be a leaner and happier person. You have to stay persistent and patience is key. Don't let the bumps in the process alter your progress, jump those fuckers and keep on rolling. GO GO GO!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Are you a 90's kid, part 3.

So I've covered some of the foods and fashion of the 90's. I'll probably wrap it up with some toys and other goodies. I might make a part 4 if people still want this type of blog.

Super Soakers!
These were the best! You couldn't have a water fight with your friends without a couple of Super Soakers. Just watch out for your crazy friend who wants to piss in the top jug and shoot it. There were a bunch of different models, but they don't really compare to the ones they sell nowadays. If we would of had the modern day Super Soakers, back then, then some of our friends probably wouldn't of made it through the 90's.

Koosh Balls
I'm pretty sure everybody had a "Koosh" something.. The ball, was just a rubber core with rubber strings dangling off it. You could do a lot with a Koosh ball, most of them made your parents irate.


You'd basically face off against your opponent by shooting a shitload of ball bearings at two pucks and score the pucks in their goal. It was never as fun as the commercial portrayed it, with lightning storms and fire.

Bop It!
"Bop it! Twist it! Pull it!" This was pretty awesome. You'd have to bop it, twist, and pull as the commander called out and try not to break your wrist. There were three game modes in the original. They made another one in the 90's that added a flicker and spinner.  This is the new one
They added a microphone, so you have to "Shout it".. Fuck it.

Sock'em Boppers

These were basically just oversized boxing gloves with extra padding.

 Now you can call over that little son of a bitch in your neighborhood that's been calling you a doo-doo head and beat him senseless.

Ninja Turtle Action Figures
These were fun to play with. They had limbs and heads that you could swivel around and had a million accessories. I had about 100 of these and all of them were dismembered in some way or another.

Gym Class?
Run and slide across the gym floor as fast as you can!

Nintendo and Sega

You didn't exist in the 90's if you don't know these.

Just a couple more picture for good measure.

I have a lot more pictures but I'll save them for another time. Hope you enjoyed the flashback.