Saturday, April 30, 2011

Are you a 90's kid?

Because, I was.. It was a more peaceful time back then, where parents weren't afraid to let their kids go outside. It was all about fun. I remember me feeling like the baddest motherfucker on the planet because I beat all of my friends in a race. Anyways, I'm not going to bore you with a long ass wall of text about everything I did in the 90's. I'm just going to show you some of the things I remember from that time that brings me a good ol' nostalgic feeling.

This is going to be more than one blog, but I'll start it off with this, since I'm hungry.

What am I eating for lunch?
How am I going to quench my thirst with such a delicious meal?
Dude, It's the 90's, where's some of the snacks I forgot about?

At school, you either had this or that.
That's just a few.. What'd you guys like to eat back then? Give me some feedback and I'll post some more on here.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Fuck Bumble Bee's

Yeah, that's right, fuck bumblebees. No, not the autobot from Transformers. I'm talking about the fat little hairy fuckers that are flying face first into your windows.

They are pretty much the B-52 of bee's and hurt like hell when they slam into you going full-speed.

Haven't you heard that a bumblebee flying is aerodynamically impossible? It's true, but they don't give a damn, so they do it anyways just to piss you off.

If bumblebee's were human, they'd be the stout, obnoxious Italian guy you see at your local pizzeria getting heated over his stromboli not having enough mozzarella.

My hatred for bumblebees started the other day, when I was sitting outside on my deck. I was just trying to soak up some vitamin D and relax, when all of a sudden I heard a "bzzzzzzzzz".. I open my eyes and see this big bumbling fat fuck of a bug just hovering and looking at me. I figured he would fly off after a second, but NO, this asshole just circles me about 3 or 4 times like he's going to gather pollen out of me. I did what anybody would've done and threw my shoe at it. It hit him but he wasn't fazed, and began to kamikazee himself at me like an asian in rush hour traffic. I tried yelling at him but then I realized they haven't even evolved enough yet to have ears, so that was useless. So, I picked up my shoe and started swinging it like Barry Bonds after a steroid shot. After the third whiff, I made contact and sent him flying at least 100 feet. I felt like victory was mine and sat back down.

Sadly, the war wasn't over.. and it never will be, for they don't live for pollination or to extract nectar to feed their young. Their soul purpose in life is to annoy the hell out of you.     BZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Why is Bob Ross so awesome?

Because he's Bob Fucking Ross, that's why.

I don't need to explain to you why a man who paints "happy trees" and bushes is awesome, but I'll throw a few reasons out.

1.) His overly large AFRO that not many people can pull off, unless you're in a 70's funk band.

Many people don't realize this but Bob Ross kept injured birds in his 'fro during the winter to keep warm and recover.

Sometimes when Ross was home alone, he'd dunk his head in cans of paint and use his curly mop as a giant paint brush, and paint beautiful landscapes on the side of his house. It would be a National Landmark if anyone could find it.

2.) He was the happiest man that ever walked the face of the earth.

 If you've ever watched "The Joy of Painting" on PBS, you'd know this. His voice was almost angelic (NO HOMO), it was just so soothing, like verbal Xanax. If you're ever having problems with depression or anxiety, go pick up a couple Bob Ross DVD's, sit back with a cool beverage and be ready for a calmgasm.

 Many didn't know that Bob Ross was in the U.S. Air Force. It's kind of ironic that a peaceful pacifist, like "Ross" would join the Military, but he had his reasons. Instead of flying an F-22, he would let out a shriek call, and a gilded eagle would swoop down from the sky and pick him up. He wouldn't drop bombs on enemies, instead he would drop candy and painting supply kits to the impoverished kids.

3.) He was a loving family man, that showered everyone around him in his aura-of-awesome. He passed away July 4, 1995 at the age of 52 of Lymphoma. Cancer may of killed his physical body, but his spirit and legacy will always live with us.

 He made us smile with his humble demeanor, and turning a blank canvas into an inspirational oil-painting.

That's just a drop in the bucket of why Bob Norman Ross, is AWESOME.