Sunday, June 19, 2011

Your Dad is a Badass.

It is Father's Day, so what better way to show respect for your dad than posting things your dad is awesome at. I'll post a few things that my own dad is superior at, and hopefully you can relate to a couple. By the way, my dad could kick your dads ass, just saying. *sticks out tongue.. pppbbbttttt*

Let's begin
1.) Mowing the lawn.

Why are dads so good at mowing lawns? I have no fucking idea. It's just some unwritten dad rule that you must be a lawn guru by a certain age. My dad will go outside for 15 minutes and come back and there will be 10 acres of mowed grass with some stylish ass cross weave pattern. All of this is done while drinking a beer.

2.) Mustaches

If you've never seen your dad with a mustache, chances are, he's a homosexual. My dad would try and sport the clean look and shave his 'stache off sometimes, but an even thicker one would sprout by the time he woke up to drink beer. It resembled a rabid squirrel attacking his upper lip.

3.) Drinking beer

Why does he drink beer so much? Because he is thirsty, and the only beverage that can quench a dads undying thirst is a cold frosty brewski.  My dad can pound enough beer to kill 3 elephants and still be sitting there with the same unaffected expression and demeanor that he had when he slammed the first. 

4.) Fixing shit

If there's something mechanically wrong, your dad will fix it. They don't even need the right tools or supplies. "Oh, there's a broken belt on the washer, huh? Go get me 38 Fruit by the Foot's and some duct tape, I've got this shit under control. Get me a beer while you're at it."

5.) Flatulence

Your dad can fart better than anybody you know. You'll know when he's about to let one rip because he'll lift up one cheek and point it in your general direction, and soon after you'll hear the distinct sound of a freight train and a thunderstorm coming out of his ass. It will smell like Amy Winehouse looks.

There is a lot more that I could do, like grilling, disregarding your mom, watching Discovery Channel. I'll save it for next Fathers Day. 


  1. Its true. My dad does all these things.

  2. Those five cover just about every dad.

  3. Crap. My dad's homosexual?

    ....That will explain why I've never caught him screwing my mom in FIFTEEN years.

    Still, I'm kind of glad I haven't been traumatized by the sight of two walruses humping.

  4. My god..... it's like you're writing this about my dad. Wait.... what's you dads name? There was a weekend business trip he took in the late 80s once....

  5. My dad definitely does all of those things, and he's strong as a fucking ox. He pulled a 225 horsepower outboard motor off his boat and carried it from the front yard to the back. I couldn't believe my eyes.

  6. @Lemons Don't Make Lemonade WTF!?

  7. I would sacrifice the heterosexuality of my father in order to avoid seeing my parents screwing each other.

  8. My dad has had an epic mustache ever since I can remember

  9. *tee hee hee*

    Have a SUPER week, Bob!

  10. Haha
    I can definitely relate. Dads are AWESOME! I love muh Dad :D

  11. this is all so true,except the beer.