1.) Mowing the lawn.
3.) Drinking beer
4.) Fixing shit
There is a lot more that I could do, like grilling, disregarding your mom, watching Discovery Channel. I'll save it for next Fathers Day.
|Why are dads so good at mowing lawns? I have no fucking idea. It's just some unwritten dad rule that you must be a lawn guru by a certain age. My dad will go outside for 15 minutes and come back and there will be 10 acres of mowed grass with some stylish ass cross weave pattern. All of this is done while drinking a beer.|
|If you've never seen your dad with a mustache, chances are, he's a homosexual. My dad would try and sport the clean look and shave his 'stache off sometimes, but an even thicker one would sprout by the time he woke up to drink beer. It resembled a rabid squirrel attacking his upper lip.|
|Why does he drink beer so much? Because he is thirsty, and the only beverage that can quench a dads undying thirst is a cold frosty brewski. My dad can pound enough beer to kill 3 elephants and still be sitting there with the same unaffected expression and demeanor that he had when he slammed the first.|
|If there's something mechanically wrong, your dad will fix it. They don't even need the right tools or supplies. "Oh, there's a broken belt on the washer, huh? Go get me 38 Fruit by the Foot's and some duct tape, I've got this shit under control. Get me a beer while you're at it."|
|Your dad can fart better than anybody you know. You'll know when he's about to let one rip because he'll lift up one cheek and point it in your general direction, and soon after you'll hear the distinct sound of a freight train and a thunderstorm coming out of his ass. It will smell like Amy Winehouse looks.|