Bob Ross Breakfast of Champions

I'll start putting some of my meals on this blog, so you skinny blogging buffoonery motherfuckers can copy the diet of a real boss hog, candy paint, riding clean ass sum'bitch. You aren't going to get 20 inch biceps of steel sitting there eating your raisin bran muffins and skim milk. These are going to be real meals, full of carbs, proteins, and afro-nutrients to keep your energy peaking to bang multiple chicks throughout the day while you save babies from burning buildings and shit.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED FOR MY BREAKFAST PLATTER OF GODLINESS (Note: My measurements are how real alpha males measure shit, women need not apply and should exit this blog immediately to fix me sandwiches.)

1. -A big ass Russett Potato, cut it how you like
2. -Half-a-dozen large eggs, including yolks, that's right
3. -Half of a Vidalia Onion, minced (that means chop the fuck out of it.. if you cry, you aren't allowed to eat this.)
4. -Minced Tomato & Green Chilies, or just use a can of Rotel
5. -Enough cheese (Cheddar & Jack) to cover the top layer of my sexy platter
6. -BACON (need I say more?)
7. -Salt & Pepper to taste
8. -Hot Sauce for a vinegary, spicy kick in the face.
9. -A splash of oil, or bacon grease to cook potatoes in

(servings 4-5 for normal people.. 1-2 for hungry lumberjacks)

Coat the 'taters in oil, salt & pepper them. Potatoes without salt is like taking a dump without wiping. Not cool

When your potatoes start getting a little brown, let your onions have an orgy with them.  Your bacon should be cooking or almost done by now.

After those potatoes and onions have browned a little more, add your 6 eggs, tomatoes, chilies, bacon. Stir them all together like so.  All of this is on medium heat in a non-stick pan, so if you don't have a non-stick pan, you better lube it up with bacon grease.

When eggs thicken up, add your layer of cheese to melt over the top.

Serve it up with biscuits. Twas nothing fancy, just something good and hearty you can whip up in like 15 minutes when you're feeling a tad peckish. 

That's your breakfast for this morning, add salsa, hot sauce, whatever the fuck it is that your taste buds desire. 

Enjoy your meal.

Top 10 ways to get your food spit on!

I'm sure you guys don't know this, since I've never fucking told you, but I work as a cook in a locally owned restaurant when I'm not out whoring myself around town. It's just an everyday bar/grill that serves steaks, wings, burgers, liquor to the common folk and hard working drunks. I have a few pet peeves that really irritate me when I'm cooking and I'll let you onto a few of them so you can chickity check yourself before you eat a hairy french fry.

(Now, I don't personally fuck with peoples food, unless I have some personal vendetta against them, but I know people who will. So, let me get on with the list.)

1.) Don't come strolling in like a douche and ask for a "medium cooked steak" and then get all huffy when it has pink in the middle. NEWS FLASH: medium cooked steaks are always going to have pink showing in the middle. Now, I'm going to burn every last drop of steaky goodness out of it.

2.) If you're coming in with your son's whole t-ball team, you better call and let us know that 30 little corndog craving fuckers are about to show up and annoy everybody. It's always best to give the establishment some time for food preparation and seating ready for a party that big. Now little Johnny is going to wonder why his corndog tastes like soggy ass.

3.) If you're a hipster and I hear you trying to order a PBR. I'm going to rage so hard on your food, it will come out looking like Michael J. Fox prepared it. You'll probably eat it anyway, since it doesn't look like us conformists food. If that's the case, I'm going to just strangle your with your plaid scarf..

4.) You might not want to try macking on the servers too hard if they're really not into you. You know who you are, overconfident fat guy with hat covering receding hairline and bitch tits. You really shouldn't ask if she can be "the daily special" or you're going to get something special in your quesadilla.

5.) Never show up 10 minutes before close with all of your buddies, when I've already gotten everything cleaned up in the kitchen, and order a bunch of huge meals. I don't mind frying food, but getting everything back out for your garlic-parmesan crusted tilapia is going to piss me off. I know you just came from the Kid Rock concert and you're trying to come out of your drunken stupor, but that's what god invented drive-thrus for. All of your food is getting mushroom stamped.

6.) If you come in looking like these guys, you're fucked.  (Ed Hardy is interchangeable with Affliction, Tapout clothing.)

7.) Don't come in and get a bacon cheeseburger off of the menu and ask "Can you replace the bun with texas toast, and then make the bacon floppy, because I like floppy dicks in my mouth. Can you then put nacho cheese instead of cheddar? Oh yeah, also, can you add some mustard and pickles, but do you have jalapeno flavored pickles?"  No, asshole! You're getting a bacon-jizzburger with extra crispy bacon and cheddar.

8.) So, you're trying to look like a cool guy in front of your friends while eating some "XXX wings", saying "Oh, this shit isn't even hot, brahs..Waitress let me get something hot up in this biznitch." I'm going to light your pussy ass up. I'm going to get some caspsaicin crystals and some ghost chili extract and mix it with a little bit of Texas Pete and hopefully you won't die while you're choking on it. Who's the man now?

9.) To the cheap bastards that try to bum a free meal. I like how you somehow manage to eat all of your food but the last bite has "a hair" in it, so you demand a free replacement meal. Funny how nobody in the kitchen has hair like that. It actually kinda looks like yours. Hmmm.. I'll make you another meal that I'll literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into.

10.) When I walk out to get a drink, don't bore me by stopping to tell me everything you didn't like about your dinner.. Example: "Man, the food was really good but it could of used something extra, like an herb or more seasoning".. It's just going to piss me off, and the next time I see you come in and order, I'll probably garnish it well with some freshly picked pubis hairus.