Are You A Neckbeard?

A neckbeard in his natural environment.

What are neckbeards? A neckbeard is a person who lives primarily on the internet and has many hobbies within it. There are many different types and forms of neckbeards, most show no interest into real life functions. They would consider what they do online "real life functions". They are typically known to have poor hygiene and grooming, yet some still maintain their personal cleanliness.

Neckbeardism can happen to anybody of any age group. It's easier to convert into a neckbeard than it is to shed the neckbeard persona. Neckbeardism can be avoided with a couple of strict rules;

1.) Dissociate yourself with other known neckbeards.
2.) The Internet is the breeding ground for neckbeards, so stay far away from any electronics/computers that are connected.
3.) If for some reason you have to go on the information superhighway and come in contact with a group of neckbeards, burn whatever device you're using, immediately, or else they will hack into it and blackmail you into being a neckbeard.

I will give you insight into five of the most common neckbeards and give a glimpse into their online agendas.

Social Neckbeard
Hobbies: Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Skype, camming, blogging
Examination: The Social Neckbeard shows a desire for social interaction and isn't afraid to tell you how he feels on any given internet outlet. They have an account on every widespread social website available. They still manage to have a personal life whilst being a neckbeard.
Hours spent online: 4-6

Angry Neckbeard
Hobbies: FPS games, trolling, gore, anarchy, hacking
Examination: Misanthropists. The Angry Neckbeard has a hatred for people altogether and will let you know if you cross their path. They spend most of their time trying to keep his or her kill/death ratio in any given FPS over 2.0. If they are lower than 2.0, they will most likely contemplate suicide. Never ask them to reconsider. Angry Neckbeards are known for trolling forums and socially dense sites. They don't mind gore, they sickeningly prefer it. They oppose government and any hierarchy. Most share common traits with known serial killers.
Hours spent online: 8-10

Nerdy Neckbeard
Hobbies: RPG's, anime, piracy, fantasy
Examination: When the Nerdy Neckbeard isn't on WoW raiding or grinding gold, they are torrenting their favorite anime, music. They are quiet for the most part, unless you ask about blizzcon, or their guilds raid progression in the latest WoW expansion. Communicating with the opposite sex often provokes anxiety attacks for Nerdy Neckbeards.
Hours spent online: 14-16

Pervert Neckbeard
Hobbies: Porn, masturbating, stalking
Examination: The Pervert Neckbeards are the sickest, horniest neckbeards you will hopefully never meet. They dwell in dim lit rooms and basements. They spend their days looking for any and every odd fetish they come across (literally). Most of them are behind proxies and aren't afraid to search deeply into the internets bowels for grotesque images and videos that meets their sexually deprived neckbeard standards.
Hours spent online: 8-10

Hybrid Neckbeard
Hobbies: Gaming, porn, forums, Facebook
Examination: The Hybrid Neckbeard has the traits of all of the other neckbeards combined into one, just not as rooted in any specific category. They vary from which neckbeard vices they sink into. This neckbeard is the most common of the neckbeards.
Hours spent online: 10-12


In conclusion, I've found that neckbeards are pretty harmless unless you venture into their domain, since they will not venture outside. I hope you feel a little more educated into the world of neckbeardism. It's a serious condition that we still don't have all the answers for, but will always be actively seeking.