Damnit, Ric Flair..

You win again. What a great marketing strategy.

"The Nature Boy" whoring himself out again in the NC Lottery. He must be strapped for cash lately. Metamucil and feathered robes can get pretty pricey. He is 300 years old and he's still mackin', struttin', and "WOOOing" at frightened children. He doesn't even speak anymore, he just throws out awkward pitches of "WOOOO" and his nurses come to his aide.

 Is it just me or does his torso seem disproportionate to his legs in the picture? He was probably on the toilet trying to pass his prune juice and oats that his caretaker blended up for him, and then someone just photoshopped some rhinestone chaps on it to make it look legit.

A close-up of the "WOOOOOO" face

Here's the commercial for the newest scratcher

Foul is my only memory.

Beads of sweat run down my cheek

Relief fills my void

You've made me do this

I always felt like we were one

I never thought I'd push it this far

My eyes trace your silhouette in the stagnant water

I watch your lifeless figure floating silent

Sadly, I feel no regret, no remorse

Apathy is all encompassing

A foul aura surrounds you still

Foul is my only memory of you

The soft light is gleaming off your dark skin

My body aches

I must flee this ungodly scene

Your repugnant scent lingers and seeps through me

I wipe away your shameful remnants
I pray your porcelain god carries you far away

Goodbye, my dear.

*flushes*

Riding dirty in a Geo Metro

Look at that beautiful piece of art.

So, you think you're hot shit, huh? Do you see these stock 12's, or is the chrome blinding you? Just face the facts, bud. When I cruise up to the party in my '93 Geo Metro Convertible with the top down, hoes come'uh runnin'. What is that, a Mustang? HA! Step it up, broski. That's just the same monotonous, bland ass car girls always see. What they really want is a waxed up candy paint Metro pushing 65 with the pedal down on the highway. At 90 MPG, lets just say "I get around". So, if you hear a 2-stroke weed-whacker at 3a.m., don't worry, I'm not there for lawn maintenance. I'm probably doing donuts in your fucking driveway, with the tape deck BLARING.

 If you want to go ho'patrolin' sometime, I might hand over the reigns. Be gentle with it, it is my baby. Remember, I have a strict no fat chick policy. I don't want chubbies ruining my fresh suspension, you catch my drift? Anyways, these tires aren't gonna smoke themselves. I'll catch you on the flipside.

VROOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

How to not be a fatass

Ok, I'll try to give you a few tips that are simple and easy to understand.

I'm no personal trainer or dietitian but I think I have some logic. hahaha

1.) When you're eating a meal, if you're starting to feel a little full and your plate still has a good portion of food left, just let it be. I know it will be whispering to you "EAT ME, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME INSIDE YOU!", or that could be me in the booth next to you. You don't have to eat it, just set it aside and teach your impulses. Save it for lunch or dinner the next day. Conquer your appetite!

2.) Quit eating so many carbs and throw something green on your plate once in a while. That means cut back on your potatoes, pastas, breads. I know they taste so much better than everything else, but this is a commitment to better yourself. So, when you go get a nice sirloin to eat, instead of french fries and bread, try broccoli or a side salad. It will make you feel positive and speed up your metabolism to make you shit more, and who doesn't want that?

3.) You need to get active, and by "active", I don't mean getting up from the recliner to get a cold beer. You have to put forth some kind of effort to make a change. Walking really isn't that hard. It will boost your self esteem and set you on the right path to not be a fatass. Ride a bicycle, play a sport with friends or coworkers; not on Xbox, go to the gym and laugh at juice heads pretending they're straight. In reality, try to at least walk/jog 30 minutes a day. That's not counting going in the convenience store to get the 2-pack deal on smokes.

4.) Cut back on your snacks. If you get hungry in between meals, don't go for a bag of Doritos or a King Size Reeses. Eat what you know is good for your body. Nutrient rich foods. That means put down the Zebra Cake and eat some real zebra's.. or fruit. Also, if you're drinking 8 sodas a day, you need to stop and drink a healthier alternative. You don't have to cut everything out completely, just use moderation.

Following these few easy steps, you can be a leaner and happier person. You have to stay persistent and patience is key. Don't let the bumps in the process alter your progress, jump those fuckers and keep on rolling. GO GO GO!

Are you a 90's kid, part 3.

So I've covered some of the foods and fashion of the 90's. I'll probably wrap it up with some toys and other goodies. I might make a part 4 if people still want this type of blog.

Super Soakers!

These were the best! You couldn't have a water fight with your friends without a couple of Super Soakers. Just watch out for your crazy friend who wants to piss in the top jug and shoot it. There were a bunch of different models, but they don't really compare to the ones they sell nowadays. If we would of had the modern day Super Soakers, back then, then some of our friends probably wouldn't of made it through the 90's.

Koosh Balls

I'm pretty sure everybody had a "Koosh" something.. The ball, was just a rubber core with rubber strings dangling off it. You could do a lot with a Koosh ball, most of them made your parents irate.

Crossfire!

You'd basically face off against your opponent by shooting a shitload of ball bearings at two pucks and score the pucks in their goal. It was never as fun as the commercial portrayed it, with lightning storms and fire.

Bop It!

"Bop it! Twist it! Pull it!" This was pretty awesome. You'd have to bop it, twist, and pull as the commander called out and try not to break your wrist. There were three game modes in the original. They made another one in the 90's that added a flicker and spinner.  This is the new one

They added a microphone, so you have to "Shout it".. Fuck it.

Sock'em Boppers

These were basically just oversized boxing gloves with extra padding.

 Now you can call over that little son of a bitch in your neighborhood that's been calling you a doo-doo head and beat him senseless.

Ninja Turtle Action Figures

These were fun to play with. They had limbs and heads that you could swivel around and had a million accessories. I had about 100 of these and all of them were dismembered in some way or another.

Gym Class?

Run and slide across the gym floor as fast as you can!

Nintendo and Sega

You didn't exist in the 90's if you don't know these.

Just a couple more picture for good measure.

I have a lot more pictures but I'll save them for another time. Hope you enjoyed the flashback.

Finally.

A master of cowardly acts and hide-n-seek. We will not miss you. Farewell, douchebag.

Are you a 90's kid, part 2.

Do any of you remember the JNCO's fad?

The insanely wide legged pants that you could easily fit another person in. I remember all of my rebellious friends having at least 1 pair of these ugly pants. Some hardcore kids still wear these today.

Starter jackets.

If you grew up in the 90's, there was no way you could miss seeing these. Everybody had a Starters jacket. It didn't even have to be a team you liked, they were all just as appealing to a 90's kid. If you didn't have it, you weren't in my cool-club.

LA Lights

I remember having a pair of these shoes. The back air pocket would light up and flash. My friends knew I was a wizard. How would you like to be curb stomped by a pair of these bad boys?

Slapbands

I had like 30 of these from winning them at the local arcade. They're probably still around today, who knows. You'd slap them on your wrist and they'd curl up around it, like a python. It was more fun smacking your friends in the face with them.

Tommy Hilfiger

All the preppy kids had this shirt in the late 90's. Fuck that shirt.

That's it for now, gonna go brush my teeth and head out.

More 90's shiz to come.