Hugh Hefner's Wedding Cancelled

"What's your name again? I think I pooped a little."

It looks like Hugh Hefner won't be getting married for the third time. Hugh and his 25 year-old fiancee Crystal Harris decided to call the wedding off after a reported argument, which probably went something like this "Don't you ever turn the station when I'm watching Wheel of Fortune, bitch!" They were set to be married June 18th. Hugh's funeral was scheduled the 17th, so time just wouldn't permit.

"I know she's only kissing me for my money, yet I don't give a shit."

In all honesty, she probably just wanted the publicity that would surely come with marrying the 85 year-old Playboy founder, and had no intentions of fully going through with such a visibly awkward wedding. It seems to me that it was just a brilliant premeditated scheme she, or her agent came up with to have her soaking up her minute of limelight. Who's to say they didn't have a connection, though? They probably did have feelings for one another, but not the feelings that should be associated with devoting yourself to the person you're in love with. I bet she felt safe and financially secure with having a millionaire cater to her needs and always have a hand for giving. Let me simplify that, she's a gold digging whore. For him, it was just another orange blonde to admire, and an ear to soak up all of his ramblings about smoker jackets and which adult diapers don't chafe his old soggy ass. Either way, I'm glad they didn't tie the knot, because the thought of them having honeymoon sex is making my taco salad I had for dinner reintroduce itself into the back of my throat.

I feel slightly bad for poor hef. I know he's a good hearted guy, but his dick needs to retire and stop making bad judgements.